Presenting Saiyuki's Best
by mirageangel
Summary: Presenting only to you from Mirage Angel, The Saiyuki Series of Short Stories. Join in for pages of funny and silly Saiyuki. First story is written on Hakkai and his trampled driving skills. Second story posted. Enjoy the ride!
1. The Bad Driver Syndrome

Disclaimer: Do not own Saiyuki.

Rated for: Minor Language, Character Cruelty

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Mirage Angel

_Presenting_

**The Saiyuki Series of Short Stories **

"_Sharing the foursome's special moments like no one else."_

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_The Bad Driver Syndrome_

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"Hakkai, you're a really bad driver, you know that?"

"Pardon me Gojyo?" said Hakkai with his usual superficial smile.

"I said, you are a reeely baaad driver. I mean, I can't even keep the count of how many bumps and hills we've run over this last minute. Not to mention all the daemons you keep hitting on the way, you have run over more that we have killed in this lifetime."

"Well, it does save time" chirped in Goku "just imagine how many more we would have to kill if it wasn't for Hakkai. Lets face it ya'll, I can take on a couple with my red stick, Gojyo can take on one or two if he really tries, and of course Sanzo can bash a few in the head "Goku put up his two hands imitating a shooting gun" if he's not too lazy to get of his ass, but the rest is all Hakkai's bad driving. Yup, that's what does the trick. That's what works the magic. That's what bakes the meat buns. The way he just hits them all head on and tramples them with the car, he's a pro. Actually Hakkai, I'd say you're so good that I bet you can manage it with your eyes closed."

It quieted down a bit. Gojyo sat thinking for a while, and for a while longer, then he took a short break, because cockroaches obviously have teeny tiny brains, so he didn't want his to overheat and explode all over the car since Hakkai washed it yesterday. So Gojyo sat there thinking from sunrise till sunset and finally came up with one simple and extremely Gojyo like phrase:

"Stupid basakaru! What do you mean I can take on one or two?"

Goku, having the Downs Syndrome, obviously didn't catch on the first time, became very anxious and confused and went through series of hot flashes, crazy outburst, and excessive sweating before he could comprehend the complex question asked by the pink water monster sitting across. Meanwhile, Gojyo sat there, with a 'What the fuck?' expression on his face feeling like that brain bursting procedure will soon become inevitable.

Seeing this, Hakkai silently handed the now hyperactive Gojyo a book at which he examined very closely and then read the title "You Are Not Alone". Somewhat understanding, he quickly listed to the page with the heading 'The Ultimate Reason for Hope and Ways to Get Help'. Flipping to the next page, he immediately fainted after seeing the enormous word "NONE" written across the whole page in big Extra Bold letters.

'Always works' thought both Hakkai and Sanzo to themselves 'never fails'.

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Other short stories are to follow. Reviews and thoughts on this piece will be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

kisses,

Mirage


	2. Brainless Surgeons

Disclaimer: Do not own Saiyuki.

Rated for: Minor Language, Character Cruelty

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_Brainless Surgeons_

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"Hakkaaaaiiii, are we there yet?" Goku's annoying whining could be heard a mile away even with the use of the strongest ear plugs.

"Hakkaaaaiiii, are we there yeeet? Hakkaaiii… Are you ignoring me? Hellooo? Anyone there?" he yelled persistently while beating the hell out of the poor Hakkai's head. He did so for twenty minutes, and still nothing.

'Hmmmm…' Goku appeared to be in very deep thought for a while but then…Eureka! A light bulb appeared above his head, which appeared to be a first time occurrence with Goku, so Gojyo quickly phoned to the Book of Genesis to have the event recorded, and said 'a wild monkey in the area of Shangri-La has for the first time discovered the meaning of an idea' to which they responded 'the bad news sir, is that we don't give a fuck, but the good news is that I saved a bunch of money on my car in insurance and so can you by switching to Geico today.'

Of course, unable to comprehend, Gojyo's mind went to overload and he started hypervenalating.

Meanwhile, Goku and his tiny brain cells already formulated a plan on how to fix Hakkai with the help of 'Do It Yourself'. So he took off Hakkai's green cloth followed by his tightly secured brown wig, facial makeup and mask which left him with a Michael Jackson nose and Cher eyebrows not to mention his bunched up bushy nose hairs. His whole appearance converted somewhere to an Arab crossed with a Big Foot.

Afterwards, Goku made an incision with a scalpel right above Hakkai's eyes, leaving out the thin brown lines of eyebrows which Hakkai was always proud of by the way, ever since he became a cross-dressing transsexual.

Goku expertly opened his skull, revealing the mix of all kinds of colored wires making Hakkai's head look like one big rainbow globe. 'Hmmmm' thought Goku as he dug through thousands of multicolored spaghetti. 'Let's see…everything appears to be in place. The 'Saiyuki traveling west' blue wire-check, Hakkai's 'dramatic past of the heroic and yet unsuccessful transsexual who never made it past the front door of his log house' pink wire- check, the most important one of all 'Goku's need to get food every second to feed at the most a quarter of his microscopic brain cells' baby blue wire- check.' Goku seemed intrigued. 'Seems normal for Hakkai, yet something is out of place.'

Looking back at the now fairly calm Gojyo who already fainted about a hundred times after rereading 'The Ultimate Reason for Hope and Ways to Get Help 'again and again and drank all the sake he could steal from the weasels, squirrels and ferrets they passed on the way, scoring pretty much considering his only daily function was to drink, smoke and get fooled and robbed by the women he apparently keeps 'seducing', now laid in the back in the jeep keeping his eyes barely open.

"Water Sprite" pronounced Goku in his fake doctor-like tone "I do believe I will be needing a second opinion on this case."

Gojyo was way lost in his Wonderland of sake and other such pointless things his millipede brain was able to make up to even hear the orangutan talking to him, much less understand anything. Well, it's better than having cockroach insides splattered all over the seats.

Goku, who seemed to get more and more annoyed and frustrated by the second, finally with the thought 'one brain dead person ignoring me today is far too much already, two is way crossing the line' he got up, dragged the intoxicated pink head towards the taken-apart Hakkai and shoved his head angrily towards the rainbow mind.

As the completely confused Gojyo opened his moth to say something, a huge black fly the size of an eyeball flew into his mouth and he immediately closed it, and apologized for almost speaking out of turn.

Goku stood there feeling very weirded out for a while and it seemed like any second now the Downs Syndrome effects are going to hit the fool of a monkey, but fortunately Hakkai's barely functioning brain once again saved the day as it made a very strange buzzing sound making both Goku's and Gojyo's small attention span in focus.

They both stood over it for a while, then, breaking the silence, Goku blabbered out of nowhere: "Needs salt and pepper" he turned his head towards Gojyo "do you concur?" Gojyo nodded "Yeah and also bring my banana, Vaseline and some duck tape!"

Goku looked at Gojyo for a bit and muttered annoyingly "Gojyo, this is not a gay bar."

Gojyo turned to him incredulous "What the hell do you mean, basakaru, of course it is. Why else are we looking at a huge rainbow ball?"

"Never mind—" Goku started saying, but was cut off by Hakkai's superficial smiling head.

"Goku, Gojyo, are you both done playing with my brain yet?"

"HAKKAI? You're still alive?"

Both Goku and Gojyo fainted instantly after Hakkai's topless skull turned towards them and smiled, showing the tiny wires poking out of his head from all sides and the very black, thick nose hair pushing out of the dry skinned bony nose located exactly at the center.

'That always works too' thought Hakkai turning his head back around and smiling knowingly at the priest.

5 minutes later:

"Sanzo, could you please put my head piece back on, the sun is getting rather unbearable."

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Reviews are always welcome. Write your thoughts and comments on this story. Also,I thank all who reviewed my previous short story, and all who will review it in the future. Thank you.

kisses,

mirage


	3. Barnyard Boredom

Disclaimer: Do not own Saiyuki.

Rated for: Minor Language, Character Cruelty

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_Barnyard Boredom_

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"I am bored."

"I am very bored."

"I am so bored, that I wouldn't mind taking Hakkai's real nose hair and eating it. I am really bored."

"Things can't get any worse, can they?"

Gojyo's pink head turned slowly towards the brown haired orangutan, who at this particular moment was snoring like an obese locomotive. Gojyo observed the monkey as a huge yellowish-brown bubble the size of a balloon appeared from his nose while he breathed some sticky goo out of his mouth. Right before the bubble burst and the goo ran further down his chin, however, he unconsciously took a deep breath and sucked it all back it. The big brown bubble got smaller and smaller, the goo shorter and shorter, until he breathed out and the process repeated again.

Gojyo watched the sleeping Goku with a further bored gaze. What he had just witnessed did not surprise him one bit, as he has seen this many times. The pink head was out becoming more and more apathetic.

'Not only I am bored' he looked down at his squirming stomach 'but extremely hungry too.' He looked back at the snoring monkey. 'By now, even he looks good to eat, and that's saying something.' He closed his eyes.

'If not for that stupid monk, I could have bothered Hakkai for his bad driving or his electronic brain.' Apparently, according to Sanzo, they were getting too much on his nerves and deserved a punishment. 'It's not like we did something bad' Gojyo recollected 'just very funny.'

_Flashback_

_It was another one of those 'I am so bored that I could just find a weasel, tie him around my neck and go fucking hang myself with it in from of the daemon lair, just doubt that I'll be lucky enough for them to want me, just my weasel' kind of days on journey of the four travelers, two of whom were extremely diseased psychopaths, one fake robot who resembled 'E.T. Phone home' and one very silent dope head who looked like a tall Yoda in a yellow wig. _

_Gojyo was at his usual spot, sitting in the back of their army green truc, being the most bored one of them all. Goku, on the other hand, was sleeping while practicing his bubble slurping technique. _

'_What would I give for that? Sleep. Lucky bastard.' Gojyo sighted again, and with that, turned back to Goku. Suddenly and completely unexpectedly, so strangely that it made Gojyo's eyes pop out and make a double flip…Gojyo watched as the basakaru's hand very slowly moved up and lightly scratched the top of his monkey nose._

'_Whoa!' thought Gojyo 'now that's something!' he quickly took out his diary and started 'Dear diary, today I was taken completely unawares as…._

_End flashback_

'No' thought the water sprite 'that's not it…..hmmm, which one of the 3,045,974 days bored of traveling west was it?' Yeah, traveling west sure took them time. But than again, considering whom the team members were, they had still plenty more to go. 'In many villages' he recalled 'people were quite impressed that retards such as themselves actually got this far without getting killed.' Each time, though, Goku and Gojyo proudly presented their famous robot Hakkai and his daemon trampling skills. Villagers were amazed by that also and let them stay in the village consntly, while the monkey and the water sprite, like two beaming mother hens, narrated the exceedingly exaggerated version of their 'exciting' journey to the west.

Gojyo took a few long, deep breaths like a pregnant woman before giving birth to calm himself before his brain fried like a cheap circuit on an Arab plane. Giving his weeny brain some private space so it could reconnect with its inner self, he laid back and relaxed for a long while.

Around sunset, Gojyo put himself back together and recalled his previous thoughts.

_Flashback_

_Goku and Gojyo were both standing on what appeared to be the main street of one of the villages they came across recently, scratching their heads, drooling, while the people going by were staring at them like at a free freak exhibition. _

_As they started walking down the street, a young woman passing by looked at Gojyo in shock and hurried further._

"_Hey, basakaru, did you see how that chick stared at me just now? They can't take their eyes of me."_

_Gojyo turned left and stroke a pose grinning madly. "They can't help it, Goku. I'm a chick magnet."_

_Goku looked at him curiously for a second and than said "Um, Gojyo, why are your pants unzipped and all the way down to your ankles? Oh, and why are you wearing red boxers with Valentine hearts?"_

_End Flashback_

Thinking back now, Gojyo still didn't know weather or not it was a bad thing. Personally, he always preferred a little wind looming through his private area since his perverted part of the brain that was still left kept functioning constantly.

'Hmmmm…' his tiny brain thought' that's still not it. My brain capacity can get through just one more flashback before it goes overload, so this better be the one. Three, two, one – action!'

_Flashback_

_After a long, tiring day of doing not doing anything but running over demons, sleeping, steeling sake from weasels and ferrets, plenty of cold sweats…well you get the drill, Goku and Gojyo settled in for an evening snack…or whatever was left of it. That is when trouble started. _

_Gojyo and Goku were finishing the last if their Sbarro/Arabian Bistro/McDonald's/Taco Bell … and it would take about a year and plenty of quadruple espressos just to get through half of that list, and stretching out their sore belly muscles. Everything was going fine and dandy… or so the millipedes thought._

_Just as Goku was about to put the last of his Kentucky fried Chicken in his into his brown, greasy mouth, a loud sound erupted from the inn entrance and in walked the phony smiling Hakkai, and a very upset and hungry looking Sanzo._

_The two of them walked up to their full companions with stricken looks on their faces. Hakkai as if to say 'o oh, they ate all the food, so we can't get more until breakfast', and Sanzo with a murderous glint of 'if those bitches ate all the food I'll fucking gut them right here, never mind the Sanzo title'. _

_Right then, the starving priest caught the sight of Goku's final chicken wing. The desperate eyes of a usually very calm Sanzo were unbearable to look at, you could almost say he was begging for his life the way he was staring at both Goku and his last piece of that beautiful, crispy fried chicken._

_Gojyo and everyone else in the room were anxiously anticipating the monkey's next move. Like on a verge of the most important basketball game, they all held their breaths in expectancy of what was to come next._

_And what do you thing that monkey did? No, the retarded monkey didn't offer the pleading Sanzo his last piece of chicken, he didn't kindly hold out his hand and say "here sanzo take, please, I'm full". No, the idiot did right the opposite. The orangutan was so absentminded that the didn't even notice what was going on around him and the extremely beseeching looks that were sent to him by Sanzo, he didn't even acknowledge the silence and the glances that fell upon him. Instead, he casually took one last look at Sanzo, and without slightest hesitation, popped the last piece of chicken into his mouth, chewed once and swallowed down his throat._

_After a lapse of about one minute, which seemed like hours to everyone around, Sanzo's angry and disappointed stomach made itself known with a high pitched growl, it said 'you'll get it so hard bitch, you won't even know what hit ya'. If the belly could walk, it would already we beating the crap out of the basakaru._

_That fate was soon to become inevitable however, because as if Goku's recent actions weren't enough, his next just jumped over the line and started sprinting for marathon._

_Goku gave Sanzo's very loud stomach an inquisitive look, than looked up at the priest himself and said "It has a nice melody, but you can't dance to it."_

_Immediately after that comment, the real Genjo Sanzo made himself known, which meant that Goku could forget about the pleasant, gentle beatings with the paper fan, because that was sunflowers compared to what followed next._

_End Flashback_

Gojyo stopped on that note; he really didn't want to reflect on what happened afterwards, because his back, feet, and every other part of his abused body still ached in remembrance.

Oddly he wondered why he got always beaten too, but then realized that he was just another one of Sanzo's victims of circumstance. Apparently Goku's fragile, thin body wasn't enough to satisfy Sanzo's desire, so he needed Gojyo to complete it. 'Wow it's so wonderful to be at least of some use to the great Sanzo.'

Anyways, after that Sanzo crawled even deeper into his shell and stayed there not making a sound for a long while now. 'Great punishment' Gojyo thought sarcastically. 'The monk actually installed a sound proof mirror, like the ones in limousines, so that he 'wouldn't he bothered any more by this ridiculous foolishness' to separate them. Got to tell ya though-----

The little battery signal appeared above Gojyo's brain, and went out, leaving the pink head unconscious. His tiny brain couldn't take it anymore.

'What foolishness' thought Sanzo to himself. He looked irritably at his wet clothes and added silently 'tomorrow I'm going back to getting dressed after I take the shower'.

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Reviews are always welcome. Write your thoughts and comments on this story. Please be kind enough towrite your review in at least one, clear sentance. It would be very appreciated and I'll try to rsepond in my following stories. Also, I thank all who reviewed the two of my previous short stories, and all who will review them in the future. Thank you.

kisses,

mirage


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